perspective

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Boiling frog syndrome… Yup, I got hot (or why I need to rehab myself).

It is true – it IS a psychological syndrome!  who knew!  I shouldn’t be cynical – I am still a psychologist.

The story of how the poor amphibian was enjoying its tepid bath and stayed so long it didn’t notice the water getting hotter and hotter until it was boiling alive, is also termed a ‘parable’ by Wiki wonderland.   If the frog was thrown into the boiling water it would jump out.

This syndrome or parable came to my mind when I realised that I was having health and well-being issues again.  I didn’t see how bad it had become till I was struggling enough to call a halt and shout help so I could ‘rehab’ my self and my life.

It was just easier for me to just keep going enough to manage the stresses and strains of impending relocation,  possible retirement, spouse’s health issues, adult children needing support, poorly grandchildren.  I had already stepped down from one on one counselling or coaching so at least in that I had identified I wasn’t functioning at the level I had been.

Changing seasons in the UK mean changing the type of clothes you wear. The cottons and linens get put away or kept somewhere on hand in case of a winter sun getaway. Sandals make way for boots and heavy shoes.  It was the fitted winter clothes that were far too tight around the middle that alerted me to exactly how much my girth had increased.

Most of us know these days that a real ‘baddie’ is fat round your middle.  Even when I was thinner I didn’t have much of a waist but when even jeggings get hard work to put on… well….

I know the theory of healthy living.  I watch documentaries, have studied the biological basis of psychology, human physiology.  I have been a returner to a certain weight watching program, counting whatever points they say I should.  The latter has changed over the years as updated research on weight loss suggests different balances for proteins, fats and sugars can assist in losing the pounds.

It is the stress and pressure that sends me into the mindset of ‘survival at all costs mode never mind the flippin’ points and I havent got time to go to the loo let alone exercise’. Just bring on the tea and cake – now!  I need to keep going…

It is generally agreed that some stress is good.  I have known someone get ill from a kind of boredom sickness.  No motivation and not enough to interest them in life.  I know that we get good input from being active and gaining achievements.  I am also aware that that needs to be balanced with feeling connected, being a part of something and giving yourself comfort and care.

This balance is very well described by Paul Gilbert, who wrote The Compassionate Mind and Compassion Focussed Therapy.   Likewise, ‘moderation in all things’ is one of those quotes where “I hear what you are saying” but struggle to implement the concept in my life.

I am just not designed that way.  I have a neurodiverse profile, a quick mind, I see things in insights, am better at leaping forwards towards a perceived outcome than following a process.  I take it up with God on a regular basis: “You made me this way!”   He smiles back and almost winks, “Yes, but I didn’t design the lifestyle you have apparently chosen.”

Did I choose the way I have been living, or, like my poor friend the frog, did I just let it get hotter and hotter till it was scalding me?

In moving house, as well as all my books and papers, I can see that I have brought my “stressed lifestyle” choices with me.

I have more things to sort out post move, but not things or stuff.  Rather, what choices and habits do I keep and what do I dump?  What needs a fresh approach, a change of mindset?

These questions are all part of the ‘rehab’ process… and I need to remember it is a PROCESS.  I cannot leap to the end but will walk the path step by step, seeking to enjoy each one.

Enjoy your path and journey!  See you later …

 

 

 

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Moving house… Repotting… New paths

Some years ago, a prophet type person spoke about us being ‘repotted’ when we relocated.   I have a camellia in a pot that needs to be repotted and I feel sorry for he poor thing as I have left it too long.  The roots are hugging the pot so tight it is going to really hurt when they are separated.   Will it be like that for me?

I took this photo below over a year ago when I was walking in the lanes near to Beauty From Ashes, a Christian Retreat run by a delightful lady called Jennifer Rees Larcombe.  I hadn’t walked this way before, it was unfamiliar – a new path.  I had a sense of adventure looking at flowers,  hedges, trees, hearing birdsong and, on this day, feeling the sun warming me up.

an unfamiliar path to walk

I haven’t yet translated that sense of adventure to getting to our new home.  It has been hassles for me – organisation, planning what to do and when,  waiting on other people …  I admit I am not at my best in the time before a large enterprise.  I am fine when the thing is upon me and I can roll my sleeves up and do the stuff!

The to-ing and fro-ing of solicitors letters and searches and documents to be signed and witnessed has frozen my brain today.  I have a list of thing I need to do but am taking time out from what seems like ‘moving the deckchairs on the Titanic’ – I do stuff but nothing much seems to make any difference!

Sitting on my bed, writing this, the sun streaming through the window, I get that sense of excitement despite ‘all this to do’ going on in my brain.  New memories to make, a house to be creatively designed and mounded into OUR home,  more people to welcome, new paths to walk – this time close to the sea.

There may be some shifting of my roots as we relocate and the furniture and bits and pieces that make up our lives are removed and transported.   At least I don’t have to worry about how everything will fit into the new place which is quite spatio us.

As our son cheekily said,

“Well you know, Mum, you don’t need to worry: you aren’t downsizing so         you can take all your crap with  you!”

I trust he means chattels and furnishings rather than my anxieties and holdings on to things…  Thanks dear Son for lightening the mood 😉

 

 

 

recommended: To Let Go Takes Love – a beautiful poem about the power of letting go
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recommended: To Let Go Takes Love – a beautiful poem about the power of letting go

This is one of my most treasured poems and has helped me through many times when I wanted to cling on to someone, something, or some aspect of myself that needed to change. Charles Swindoll’s book The Grace Awakening was a revelation to me when I first read it years ago. It is one I try and re-read every so often just to make sure I am living Grace-fully to myself and others.

Majestic wonder

Majestic

Photograph Vancouver sunset taken by Rob Newey http://www.robneweymusic.com. February 2014.

Seeing this scene filled me with awe at the majesty of nature, but also the technical skill that Rob employed in composing and taking this shot. He is a skilled and talented musician and song writer who also has this creative talent.

The shot is artistically beautiful and well composed with a clarity in the photograph difficult to attain. The colour combinations and the texture of the trees and mountains, the movement in the sky was thrilling. Just to meditate and stop to gaze at this picture took me out of myself and my little world of doings and endless ‘stuff’.

On another level, Vancouver was a special place for me as it was where my long lost half brother had grown up. We met when he was 33 and I was 44. I went to visit with him in this country that my mother and I weren’t taken to by my father when he emigrated. Years ago of course…. I was three when he left.

Crossing the border from USA to Canada was a watershed in that I had been given to believe I wasn’t legally allowed to go into Canada. Funny how things can come into your mind that aren’t at all true! I wonder who put that thought there… Hmm.

So, I may have grown up a Canadian had things been different. Would I have been so impressed by the countryside and scenic beauty of the land had I lived their always? Do I remember to look at the South Downs where we live and appreciate what is around me?

A reminder to me : Embrace all you see Sharman and let it into your soul and spirit so your body may vibrate with the wonder of it all.

A place of serenity, cleansing and escape.

A place of serenity and escape.

A South Coast Beach ( taken by Steve Jenkins): we all need a place to go to ‘be’, to think, to explore our inner world. Living near one of these beaches 15 years ago, the beach was that place for me and for our children. They still come down here from wherever they are living now and recall those times of hanging with friends, chilling, crying, escaping from being ‘grounded’.

All my senses loved the place: the salty smell, the sounds of lapping waves and seagulls calling on a calm day or the crashing of rollers at high tide on a stormy night, could all match my mood and draw me inside myself.

Such a vivid place could also draw out the emotions I didn’t realise were lurking beneath my surface and, as the seaweed and rubbish werer left visible after the storms and tides, so were my deep hurts, confusions and pains.

The cleansing and visibility of what needed to be revealed, no longer stored up clogging my emotions and thinking, would leave a peace, freshness and joy.

It is probably time for me to take a trip there again or to find another such place…

Maybe it is ALWAYS time?

Corrie ten Boom…

Corrie ten Boom: “But, she said, “this is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.”

Corrie ten Boom replying to John and Elizabeth Sherrill, co authors of “The Hiding Place”, in their forward. This book was made into a film portraying Corrie and her sister, Betsie (who died in Ravensbruck concentration camp), and  the ten Boom family’s experiences during the Holocaust and the part they played in rescuing many Jews only to be arrested themselves.

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“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

► 2:47► 2:4

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pki6jbSbXIY
Apr 20, 2006 – Uploaded by Osku

Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the ring (2001) official theatrical trailer http://imdb. com/title ..

In a scene in the film version of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” Gandalf and Frodo sit in the Mines of Moriah. Gandalf has forgotten the path they need to take and the fellowship are sitting in this gloomy place waiting for him to remember.

Frodo has been injured by a blade from Mordor and, although healed from the blade’s dark poison by the Elfs (Tolkien’s spelling) in Rivendell, the injury will never completely heal. Sitting in the dark gives Frodo time to think, to reflect on the dangers that his quest to destroy the ring of power has brought his friends and companions into. The burden of the dark Lord’s ring adds to his depression.

He confides in Gandalf, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”

Gandalf looks kindly at Frodo and smiles.

“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

There are other forces at work besides evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring, in which case you also were meant to have it… And that is an encouraging thought…”

Gandalf then remembers the way they need to take…

No matter how many times I watch the film – yes, I LOVE films! – I still feel uplifted by Gandalf’s words.  

I can’t find them in Tolkien’s book but I guess the script writer (who was he/she?) took the guts of the story and this scene describes how Gandalf played a vital part in helping Frodo – and the others in the fellowship – keep going even in the darkest places.

Do you have people like that in your life? Whenever you feel really low and feel like chucking in whatever project you are undertaking, giving up on achieving the goals you have set yourself, they will have just the right words to say to you.

I don’t mean the ‘pull yourself together!’ brigade…  (you know who you are!).  I mean the person who will be there with you in the feelings, who will allow you to express the emotions that are overwhelming you, maybe hold your hand or just be ‘present’ with you in the moment.

Then somehow they bring a new perspective, help you to see things from a new angle, shine a new light on your experience…   and your clouds blow away, the heaviness lifts and you can stand straighter, walk taller and smile again.

They may not necessarily be a trained counselor,  coach or mentor.  There are people in the world who seem to be truly empathetic and have the gift of encouragement and insight.  Some people may have experienced more of life’s difficulties, trials and tribulations than is imaginable and have come out the other side with wisdom beyond their years. 

However, whether we LISTEN to these ‘angels in training’ though is our decision.

I remember a time when I was suffering from clinical depression and anxiety illness (triggered off by a combination overwork and going through the menopause: hormonal imbalances are NASTY!).  I did decide to listen to my Gandalfs, but I had to wait for medication and rest before I could act on my decisions.

Some people may be in a position where they would rather CHOOSE to feel weighed down rather than DECIDE to accept those insights and BE ENCOURAGED.  Maybe its their ‘Eeyore’ personality type or maybe they see benefits to being perpetually down and depressed?  

Cognitive Behavioural Therapists and Coaches will encourage clients to evaluate the pros and cons of the likely consequences of making changes in their lives. Such honesty can reveal that it may not be the right time for that person to make changes yet – they see more benefits to staying where they are, doing what they have always done, seeing how they have always seen…  Another time perhaps?

But if there ARE beneficial consequences that can ensue from making a decision to change and we are in a place to act?  We could SOAR like an eagle rather than flap along the ground!

It is true that we can’t choose the time we live in, we but we can choose to decide what to do with the time we have.  We can recognise ‘the way out’ –

I want to send my thanks to my ‘Gandalfs’ – you know who you are and you are brilliant!  I hope I can be a Gandalf to those who come my way as you have been to me. Mwah!

Thanks to all those who are ‘Gandalfs’ out there in the world – we need you desperately in these times…